Darkest Dream

2009-04-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Noapte
de Diana Dark

Azi e miercuri,
Miercuri nu te gasesc pe aleea scobita in piatra
Eram doar noi singuri
Acceptati in intunericul de vara
Ce umbre mai faceam noi in lumina lunii
Doar tu le puteai numii.
Erau calde si visatoare
Purtandu-ne pe culmi ascendente
Magnetice si ametitoare.

Azi e miercuri,
Miercuri nu te gasesc pe aleea sangerie.
Sunt singura in luciri
Pierdute in lumina astrului pustiu.

2009-03-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

O poveste
de Diana Dark

O poveste nu poate fi uitata, nu poate fi stiuta in intregime decat de cel care o traieste. Nici cel mai bun eseist, narator sau prozator nu o poate povesti, insa nici cel care o traieste nu poate exprima prin cuvinte sentimentele experimentate de mintea si sufletul sau. Exista povesti care le traiesti o singura data in viata, povesti care te schimba radical, povesti care se pot intinde pe toata perioada vietii unei persoane sau doar pentru o ora. Aceste povesti sunt formate din diverse capitole iar de desfasurarea lor nu putem scapa. Un asemenea capitol asteapta sa se desfasoare cu rabdare, iar chiar daca dorim cu ardoare sa sarim peste el, ne este imposibil deoarece ii este dat sa se intample. Un astfel de capitol poate fi dorit sau nedorit. Dorite deoarece un capitol nou inseamna o lectie noua si o alta fila in istoria vietii, iar nedorit din pricina sentimentelor ce le inflict ape persoana respective, sentimente de care doreste sa scape si care dor. Daca aceasta intamplare care imi da toarcoale se va desfasura, daca acest capitol mi se va arata, voi avea din nou acel foarte cunoscut gol in strafundul sufletului meu si zile la rand voi medita incontinuu sperand sa treaca cat mai repede si noptile medormite se vor intoarce cu aceasi intensitate bine cunoscuta, cu care se intorc de fiecare data dupa un asemenea eveniment. Daca acest capitol va exista, ziua de maine va fi o asteptare continua, asteptare dureroasa a urmatorului capitol inca negandit si neimaginat, necugetat si nou.
Maine voi mai face o vizita la terapia prin teatru. Nu se numeste asa, dar asta este pentru mine. Nu este foarte corect acest lucru, dar desi se depune efort in pregatirea celor care vin, nu pot nega adevaratul scop cu care merg. Posibilitatea de ami descarca sufletul prin urlete pline de durere in timp ce recit “Strangeti verga gabierului” din Shakespeare “Furtuna” toata angoasa si suferinta este eliberata si eu la randul meu sunt libera. Imi amintesc prima data cand am mers la laboratorul respectiv si imi amintesc sentimentul de euforie pe care l-am trait si care m-a facut sa plutesc parca pana la urmatoarea mea destinatie.

2009-03-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Deserted
by Diana Dark

Forever you will see my painful eyes
Their focus always on your sight
Your moves they will follow
On the dark alleys of your soul.
They could have lit those paths
But the flame was blown out
And once again they will not
For anything, step on those bricks
Because they hurt and burn
The hopes and dreams they have.
Once was enough to feel the cold,
The humidity those dessert halls behold
The chills that freezes every cell
That overpowered them once
And their only source of warmth
Was off.

2009-03-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

Miros
de Diana Dark

Te-aud, te vad, te simt
In fumul tigarii stinse
Ascunsa in sticla scrumieri
De tine.

Pierd scrumul tau
Fumand din chistocul filtrat
Inspirand aroma timpului
Nostru.

Glasuri se regasesc
In arderea hartiei albe
Invalindu-ne pe amandoi
Dar dispare.

Raman doar fragmente
Gri, cenusi, negre
Arse si luate de vant.

2008-08-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

Ambiguu
de Diana Dark

Totdeauna inlantuita de adevar
Ascunsa pe fundul minciuni
O petala plange si cerseste
Putina intimitate

O inspaimanta lacrima de ploaie
Ce luneca aiurea pe pamant
Si astfel totul ea crede
Ca trece in nefiinta

Ca mers de rac cu fata-n spate
Ea vede raul a fi bun
Sperand a avea suferinta
Aluzorie bucurie

Acum ce lacrima o atinge
Se simte limpede, curata
Dovada-a vietii ce-o traise
O minciuna adevarata.

2008-08-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Creatii
de Diana Dark

Gandurile imi invaluie neuronii
Cu senzatii de nepasare totala
Cand singurul lucru care conteaza
E creionul cu pasta de cerneala

O neliniste incojoara pagina
Din caietul gandurillor pierdute
Sustrase din inconstientul neiertator
Pe o file de hartie asezate

In intuneric teama ma ignora
Dar asteptata sigura la rasarit
Timpul imi va fura gandurile
Cand sinceritatea va muri.

2008-08-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

Grand
by Diana Dark

I wish I could forget him
I wish I could look back but I can not
To see him one more time
To hold him like good times
His hand would hold to mine
Making moments last in memory
Forever for his hand was rich
With years of wisdom,
It was raw upon my cotton fingers.
Could not make my childhood better
Even if he remained fire on ice.
I miss to know him as he was
To know the genius in his eyes
To realize that he knew all
And all he knew he could achieve
He did and lost in void and sea
Was all.

In the memory of my grandfather.

2008-06-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

Ceea ce nu esti

De Diana Dark

Zambet malefic pe un chip divin,
Rautate oarba vazuta in dantura de aur.
Bunatate inselatoare in buzele ei ingeresti,
Dar dintii de aur nu sunt
Nu acum cel putin.
Se vede ca un filozof atotstiutor
Ca un scriitor cu intelect de geniu
Pierdut in propriile ganduri
In nelinistea zilei de maine
A banului pierdut in versuri
Poluate de lacrimi
Ce valoreaza tot aurul din lume

Chiar mai mult pentru autor
Dar nimic pentru restul.
Se vede jocheu calare
Pe un exemplar exceptional,
Un pur sange arab,
O fiinta perfecta si nedefecta,
Alergand spre victori si triumf,
Insa pierzand pe locul intai,
Invins de orgoliu.

2008-06-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

Bere

de Diana Dark

Bule
Multe bule
Si marunte bule
Bule albe dar vazut verzi
Bule moarte ce te gadila lingusitor pe cerul gurii
Bule verzi care de fapt sunt albe
Albe dar provin dintrun lichid galbui
Lichid galbui produs din malt
Produs din drojdie si zahar
Zahar si acid malic,
Dar sa nu uitam colorantul caramel
Ca doar el da culoare lichidului galbui
Si ultima
Dar nu cea din urma
Aroma naturala de lamaie.

2008-06-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

Candela

De Diana Dark

Stau uscate pe-o hartie
Curse lin pe ceara vie
Doua lacrimi arse-odata
De-o facile

In inalt au fost unite
Dar topite de caldura
S-au prelins in doua lite
De velura

S-au prabusit pe-un plan
Nuantat de un focal
La distanta rapitoare
De caldura

Tot se vor a fi-mpreuna
Tot unite de caldura
Sunt unite de durere
Si de ura.

2008-06-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

Suferinta

Oare e adevarat ca in prima jumatate a vietii cautam suferinta? Oare chiar ne-o dorim? Eu da. Eu vreau sa sufar deoarece asa voi stii ce este suferinta. Voi stii ce inseamna sa ti se sfasie sufletul. Ce inseamna sa iti doresti sa nu treci epste greutatile vietii. Citesc despre suferinta si mi-o doresc, dar cand imi este data o refuz. Si sufar.

2008-06-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

Life is short and we should treasure it, as best as we can. How can we live without doing what we want to, when we hear of people dieing every day. Every single day someone dies and another family grieves their loss. How can we not do what we want when life is so short? Now I think of all the things that I’d regret not doing, if I am to die today, and honestly, it’s way too much.

And yet another song screams to act. Act on ones feeling, act on instinct. I want to and I probably will. For you can never know when life and time may be stolen from you. You can not know when life will turn greedy on you and rob you of time and life itself.

Sfarsit

de Diana Dark

Un cortegiu funerar
Pentr-o viata in altar
Pentr-un suflet ce a fost
Dar e pierdut

Totul se rastoarna lin
In iubita celui crin
Iar in ochii ei caprui
E pustiu

Soarele din ei s-a stins
Intunericul s-a-ntins
Au pierdut tot ce-au avut
Si au stiu

O eternitate grea
O asteapta dar nu vrea
Sa mai stie ce a fost
Demult, candva

2008-05-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

Cuvinte

de Diana Dark

Asta va fi putin diferit. De ce? va intrebati poate. No poetry, that’s why. Si inca ceva. From no on, in this post, no more English. Asa, deci. Romana, limba mea nativa, limba mea de suflet. Sau nu. Mergand mai departe. In acest post va fi putina originalitate, deoarece nu sunt ale mele. Nu va speriati, nu fur drepturile de autor ale nimanui. Sunt randuri, daca vreti sa le numiti asa, luate din folclor sau din auzit, din viata de zi cu zi. Din copilaria mea. Nu toate, dar majoritatea. Cu explicatii de rigoare, si motivul pentru care sunt insirate aici.

Deci ca sa avem si un inceput … sa vedem …
“Gusta de usca fundul” - aceasta comparatie este opera elogioasei mele colege de banca in dorinta de a explica profuinzimea cu care bea subsemnata a sticla de jumate de apa (chioara in loc de suc) fara sa se oboseasca sa rasufle.

“Auriu, mustariu = diareic” – enumeratia nu are un anume sens, doar acela de a gasi un nume cat mai corect din punct de vedere lingvistic si estetic unei anumite culori. Rezultatul a venit tot de la elogioasa mentionata mai sus.

Urmatoarea creatie imi apartine in totalitate dar nu si idea. Originalul nu imi apartine dar este precum urmeaza:
“Watery water watering down the watery stream.” nu voi mentiona numele creatorului cum nu am mentionat numele elogioasei, din respect.
Creatia mea este in felul urmator:
“Carare cararuind cararuita de cararuitori cararuind caramizi.” Stiu ca originalul este mai limpede (vorbeste despre apa totusi), sincer si mie imi place mai mult.

Acum voi mentiona mai multe jocuri de cuvinte pe care multi dintre voi posibil sa le stie deja, dar nu stiti motivul pentru care aceste inocente jocuri de cuvinte sunt mentionate aici:
1 “Un tantar tantareste tantarind o tantarica pe sortul tantarului.” Ironia aici este ca la un moment dat eu alaturi de un prieten am purtat poreclele respective.
2 “Capra s-a suit pe-o piatra ce s-a spart in patru. De-ar crapa si capul caprei ca si piatra-n patru.” Aici inca nu am nimic de zis.
3 “Stanca sta-n castan cu Stan” amuzant faptul ca eu in copilarie am cunoscut si o Stanca si un Stan. In mod normal faceam zilnic aluzie la acest joc de cuvinte pentru ai necaji.
4 “Sase sasi in sase saci” Nu cunosc nici un sas inca.
5 “Punga-n pila, pila-n punga, pilalau cu pila lunga” Va grabiti si o gresiti. Aveti grija ce spuneti.
Cand eram mica mama ma obliga sa spun aceste randuri pentru dictie. Cel de al treilea nu il spun corect nici acum.

2008-05-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

Friendship-poem

by Diana Dark

I see in you a person
Who knows what I can be
And suffers all the terror
Through which I have to live.

Without asking for favors
And nothing in return
You climb the highest mountain
And bend the biggest stone.

I do not have to ask you
Nor make you understand
I know you’re here forever
You know I’m here as well.

2008-05-25T04:45:00.000-07:00

Toint Kitten

de Diana Dark

Patrund in intunericul orbitor
Doua sfere de lumina
Purtate in unduiri de feline
Insetate de veneratie
Pamantul nu poarta urme
De orgoliu mut, iar
Aerul se prelinge linistit
Pe un trup arid
De o stralucire stelara.

Doua sfere de lumina
O fac vizibila dar nimic
Nici deseul sadic
Nici lampioanele obosite
Nici gardul batran
Nu vor sa deranjeze fricoase
Acest fenomen pur
Acest simbol egiptean antic
Adorat alaturi de Ra.

Doua globuri argintii patrund
Intunericul cald
Si racesc pacea noptii senine
Prin corzile vocale fine.
Cu pasi timizi se apropie iar
Si-un glas de-abea auzit
Tradeaza locul unde a pasit.
Misterioasa a disparut
In siguranta beznei flamande.

2008-04-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

Narcisism.

de Diana Dark

Sunt frumoasă – mi-a spus mama
Orice spui tu nu te cred
Sunt deşteaptă – mi-a spus tata
Tu eşti prost şi tot nu cred
O secundă lângă mine şi te ameţeşti
Ai o simplă-nsărcinare:
Mă priveşti.
Luna plânge şi stelele se plec
Se-nchină-n faţa mea, pălesc.
Dar roua mă-ndrăgeşte şi mă iubeşte
Şi cade peste cele ce plâng deasupra mea.
Dar eu nu vreau pe nimeni
Acum eu mă privesc în cioburi de sticlă
Sparte din agitaţia ce o creez.
Mă iubesc.
Alături de o suprafaţă sticloasă
Îmi petrec eternitatea orbită fiind de frumuseţe
Mă văd în raze alburii, înnecăcioase
Oglindite în absintul răsuflat din oglindă.
Petrec mii de ore în locul meu singuratic
De alţi mă lipsesc cu neînzdruncinare.
Nu am necesitatea şi nu o voi avea
Să m-accepte concepte pierdute undeva
Pe sine eu iubesc.
Din celulele-adunate intr-un corp cioplit
Sincera-mi chemare mi-o ascult şoptit
Voi trăi cu no one, for no one can be
Perfect as your’s truly, lonely though I’ll be
Dar de ce sa-mi pese? Fiincă toţi vor ştii
Ochii mei văd doar un înger renăscut
Întrun corp uman sfidător naturii
În perfecţiunea întruchipării
Trupul subsemnatei ma cheamă să-l degust
Ca pe un vin roşu obosit de ani
Uşor răsuflat pentru un orgasm nazal
Ce îţi oboseşte nările şi le orbeşte
În dorinţa sufocantă de al încerca.
Mă iubesc.
Îmi vine să îmi sfâşii carnea
Să îmi ating buzele sângerii şi trupul fraged
Să îmi gust lichidul intravenos stacojiu
Împrospătat în fiecare secondă
De bătăile inimii tinere ce pulsează,
Pulsează şi mă ţine în viaţă.
Pigmenţii roşiatici-maronii
Sunt ai mei şi mă inspiră.
Ei îngână o odă sinceră şi egoistă
La nesfârşit, despre viaţa veşnică
Abisul neştiut şi...
O existenţă efemeră a corpul perfect ce îl posed
A făpturii divine ce mă înconjoară
Creată pentru iubirea de sine.

2008-03-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

The thread of the wind.

by Diana Dark

The void space aggravates everything
Within the proximity of a depressing place
Filled with areas of modern architecture
That inflates old times across the sky
And which hangs by the thread of the wind.

Shadows cover the alleys underneath
Stones that argue with dusty leaves
And piles of boxes created in silence
That inspires writers too high to accept
The stars that hang by the thread of the wind.

2008-03-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Reflectia

de Diana Dark

Eu nu sunt eu,
Eu nu sunt ea,
Eu nu sunt cea din fata mea
Imi trag o palma
Ma mai uit, dar tot asa
E ea.
Eu vreau sa urlu, dar nu pot
Sa zbier, sa trag, sa rup, sa toc
Sa sterg un chip plin de noroc
Sa vad o rana sau un ochi
Invinetit.
Nu eu, e ea
Si ea nu vede, ea privea în gol
Cum mintea mea se-mprastia
Cum ochii mei se-nlacrimau
Dar lacrimi nu curgeau.
Pofta de ras ma coplesea
Oare is eu sau e tot ea
Mie dor de tot ce nu mai pot avea.
Mie dor de vise de copil, de munti,
De rauri si de tot ce-a fost candva.
Ea rade. Ma tot pot forta sa o suport,
Dar nu mai pot.
Lovesc, vad sange si m-opresc.

2008-02-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

Sirius - the star.

By Diana Dark

They say he died and left me here
They say I can not find him there
I can not hear a word they say
I will not think, but if I may,
I will not let them lie my heart
'Cause if they will I'll fall apart.

Your name is Black as is my heart
I'm crying and I fall apart
You are the star I look at now
And never figuring out how
The only star I see above
Is fading as you are, my love.

I'm reaching up to feel its touch
I never thought I'll love so much
You're far away and out of reach
I want to fly and you could teach
I know I seem an ant to you
But I can see you as one too.

I'll wait for you to come forever
I know I will not love another
You make me blush, you make me choke
I fly, I fall, I drown, I float
Will you forgive me if I cry
For you 'cause you had died?

2008-02-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Trop

de Diana Dark

Adunandu-te dintrun sac de atribute fara rost,
Ce te-nsumeaza ca un sincer prost,
Incult, proclet, care rezuma viata la un simplu tete
Al unei domnisoare cu aspect dement
Ce te-ar face sa tresalti in somn
Si sa simti ca nu esti chiar un domn.
Te hlizesti la el. E prost, incult, proclet,
Fiindca te rezuma fara a putea
Intelege viata ta. E fara rost
Sa-l faci sa te priveasca cum ai fost,
Esti si vei mai fi. Dar tu nu-l stii,
Iar viata sa poate are un sens
Ca si a ta. Tu ce mai poti fi?

2008-02-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

Rethought version of Damned

by Diana Dark

There is a person in the world
Whom knows nothing of life
And lives the period of her time
From day to day and ends up high
She sees no wonder in the world
But darkness and despair
And still considers that her soul
Is somewhere out of reach.

2008-02-16T09:03:00.000-08:00

Damned

by Diana Dark

There’s somewhere, a being out there on this earth
Whose knowledge of life is a place full of dirt.
She lives all her days, the few ones she has
Day after day no looking beyond her end
The world is a death and a cloud full racked sky
With no high end smiles and no rabid light
And still she considers the debt of her soul
Being lost and far away out of reach.

2008-02-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

Losing sense

by Diana Dark

I die in my sleep
And cry in my dreams
Sore is my heart
‘Cause you are not here
You said no farewell
And I had no time
To tell that I want you
To say that you’re mine
You’re presence is still
Remaining behind
Confusing my thoughts
Lying to my dreams
I miss your warm breath,
Your hand over mine
How can I forget you?
You’ll never be mine.

2008-02-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

Misguided

by Diana Dark

All I can do now
Is linger on a thought
Of something that I’m not
Of something that I’ll never be
On something that only you can see.

You can not see
What I can be
You see only that
I’m exactly what
You think that you want
But right you are not.

2008-01-27T13:53:00.000-08:00

Manoeuvring

by Diana Dark

Will I tell you that I want you?
Never will I let myself.
All I want from you is pleasure
On my god forsaken bed.
There I'm waiting almost naked
Longing for your frozen hands
But there I will be forever
For the pleasure never ends.

2008-01-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Wanting

by Diana Dark

All I can now do is hope
That you’ll come back from the sea you where lost in
‘Cause all that is left
Is the ash
Of a soul meant to be holy

I wish a star could change time
So that you’ll be back in my arms and hold me
‘Cause you’re the reason
For my soul
For the air that I breathe to live

Wishing upon the big bright star
To shine and bring you back to me with its light
I can’t live knowing
That you're gone
I wish you here again with me.

2008-01-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

treason

by diana dark

you’re the reason
for my treason
for my every single dream
and my whim
and my screams and shouts of joy
you’re my toy
my only hope
that I’ll be on an ascending slope
in my dreams
for a time of smiles
and cries
and no end.
you give me hope
for something I can’t cope
for you can make impossible
suddenly be possible
you can make the demon
from inside be free
run away or hide
for you’re at my side
and I know that you
can make me fell true
and can make me smile
even for a while
for you have no end
I’ll never find mine
you are my obsession
and my only passion.
guide me through a night
of eternal light
and give me the sight
to see what I’ll fight
you will be the winner
for you have the power
make me scream of pleasure
and cry while I measure
the way that I feel
how you make me feel.
my last breath
is on your neck
and your hands are on my back
and I scream
for you will never know how I feel
and I feel
the drops of you sweat on my skin
it is treason, but not sin.
you.......me
. …forever….
will be
what we want to be
and what we'll never be.

2008-01-19T11:38:00.000-08:00

Suntem sclavi.

Suntem sclavii unei vieti fara rost
In care trecem de pe-o zip e alta
Gandindu-ne la o viata fara viitor
La o singuratate de autor

Suntem sclavii linistii apasatoare
Ce ne sfasie timpanele, urland
Surzindu-ne cu sunetele moarte
Ale unui inger muritor

Dorind sa ne eliberam de viata,
De linistea din viata de apoi
Ne-alaturam unei grupari de genuri
Ne confruntam si suntem sclavi din nou.

I know it's in romanian. Sorry.

2008-01-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

Loss

She loved the way it shown
She loved the blinding light
She loved the way it made her
Feel that she was alive.
The hold of it was choking
But she would not fight back
‘Cause she could see the power
And she was glad for that.
She could not fight the feeling
That she could still have that
That she could still be smiling
And cry and live and laugh.
She missed the love of other
She missed her love as well.
She longed the touch of someone
To hold her as she dwelled
On something that was foreign,
Of something out of sight
With meaning that could scare one
With nothing but goodbye.
She tries to understand it
But she can not succeed
How can you feel its power?
How can you feel its need?
It will forever hold her
And will never let go
Her master, her eternal
And now her only foe.

2008-01-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

Waking

She looked upon his sleeping form
And smiled against her will.
Shifting his head he smiled in sleep
Arising questions of a dream.
He reached across the messed up bed
In search of something warm
A light, almost unnoticed laugh
Is released from her form.
The search is on and with his thumb
He grasped the fuzzy sheet,
He pulled wanting it to be stopped
And it was stopped by she.
By now his eyes were slightly opened
And he smiled up at her
His hand was slithering behind her
Wanting to pull her with.
All she could use against - was nought
For as he pulled her down
Trying not to collide
Their bodies touched
The warmth, turned to fire
Sun to Moon
No waking.

2008-01-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

Surrender

The love you’ll give, will blind me
Making it impossible
To fight
To yell
To stutter
Upon a restless life.
May I resent you later
And make you go away.
You will forever hold me
And will deceive again.

And as you turned away I stumbled
I lost my only train of thoughts.
You turned away in manic laughter
And left me there to see your ghost.

I’m looking upon that road
The one that made you vanish
I fought
I yelled
I stuttered
And found it would not help
For you resented me
And made me go away.
You keep your hold on still
And deceive you will again.

‘Cause you succeeded breaking my soul
And clumped remorsefully my life
You started laughing at my despair
And I could only allow you that.

2008-01-13T05:08:00.000-08:00

Worth

There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed...
... some forever, not for better, some have gone and some remained.
All these places had their moments, lovers, friends: I can recall
Some are dead and some are living, in my life I've loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers, there is none compared to you,
All these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as new
Though I know I'll never lose affection for the ones I knew,
I know in my life I'll often stop and think of them, but you
For the long run you should know that there will never be a new
I LOVE YOU ... forever and for always too.

Original

John Lennon - In my life

Friendship

2008-01-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

I was pressured, if I can say so, to write something that doesn’t have much importance to the world, something simple, something easy and yet I find it extremely difficult. I thought to myself if I am capable of doing this. I don’t think myself capable to, but still I’m writing these lines, not as fast as I wrote the others, but I am. That must mean something, though. I thought of a variety of subjects and chose one that was closer to heart, that many others.
Friendship.

In my life I had many friends. Most of them turned out to be something that I did not expected or turned their backs on me when I most needed them there and so I learned to do things by myself, to live for myself. Some of them hurt me; others never took me for granted and with some, even if I see them occasionally, I barely talk to them, unless I have reasons and I see them as someone who meant something for me in the past, but has no importance for me at this point in life. But I’m not writing this to talk about them. They’re not important.

This is about Corinne.
I met her three years ago when I changed school. She had been the first one I knew from that class. Even if we weren’t sitting at the same desk, or weren’t spending all breaks together at that point, we got along rather good. We always used to take the same bus to get home, since we live close to each other and she soon became my only friend from school. Two years ago she changed school, but, fortunately, we remained good friends. I somehow ended up needing her as a friend. That is something that had never happened to me before. Even though we weren’t in the same school anymore we saw each other everyday. She slept at my place many times and I slept at her place the equal amount of times.

We grew very close and we could talk about anything while listening to some random songs on my computer and holding hands. I think we could exchange words forever and never tire of it. Somehow even if what she has to say isn’t that important to me, I listen and nod and laugh and scream of joy when I have to, when I see a certain reaction in her smile or in her eyes. Sometimes I don’t even listen to what she says and just look at her. Seeing the way she smiles when she ends a sentence that isn’t supposed to make me laugh or anything else, or when she complains in the mirror while trying to get her hair to stay straight, or when she doesn’t agree with something that I say. She doesn’t contradict me, she just changes her expression ever so slightly and that is all I need to understand that her opinion is different.

We also tend to stay for minutes at a time, long minutes at a time, in silence and I usually hate silence when I’m not alone. I usually have the feeling that I have to say something, because I don’t welcome silence. Well, with her it’s another story. At times I have the feeling that even if we’re not talking we still have some sort of connection, stronger and bigger than words. It’s like we don’t have to talk, to communicate, if that makes any sense at all.

This post however, was supposed to contain the opinions of other people about me. Of those people that mean something to me. I will put it at the end of this post, or I’ll just make another one, but those opinions will appear here. The reason for my change of plan is that her opinion simply means the most to me. She wrote what she honestly thinks about me and she wrote the truth:

“Honestly, even if sometimes you are cad and mean and things end up to be only the way you want them to be, it doesn’t really bother me that much. I like you the way you are. You are the only person I know for a short period of time and understand so well. Hope you like it. Love you!”

It’s not a philosopher’s note, nor that of a poet. She wrote it exactly how she felt it and even if, dear reader, you won’t understand a thing from it, this note means to me more than anything that had been written from my own hand.

Last night I got to realize just how much she means to me. She can calm me down when I’m about to burst out screaming of fury. She can make me understand why I have to do the things I don’t like. She can keep me on leach, for if it weren’t for her I don’t even want to think how my life would have been by now.

And even though she is everything that I want and need, she doesn’t understand all the things that I see in her because she can not see them. All that innocence and passion; the whit and the foolishness; the calm and the angriness. All of it makes her what she is and she can’t see what I like about her.

2008-01-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

Emotions

I saw you in the end of day
Your hands
I want to feel
The thought of it will blow away
The fear
Of holding what was real.

If there’s an end to all of this
There will be pain
I want the heart I know I’ll miss
Am I insane?

I want you to be here with me
Alone
Forever more
I can not live away from you
For you
Give reason to my soul.

Emotions run through me at times
When you’re not here
But only those about your eyes
Can make me fear.

2008-01-09T11:39:00.000-08:00

love hurt
by diana dark

i could climb a mountain
if you'd be with me
i would write a novel
about you and me

feeling things and living memories that hurt
makes me happy 'cause i know
it was true and it was ours
even if you had to leave
last it was enough for me

calling out and hearing echoes
mine 'cause your's are far away.
i want to hear and so i dream
about you and about us
moments that hurt, but memories i love

Moments

2008-01-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden I felt the need to write, that eagerness that can rule you like nothing else. I try to breath, to think clearly, but I don’t want to lose this. I know that maybe I won’t even decipher my own words on the paper, but I’m not going to stop.

The thing that started this was not a thing at all, but a he. I don’t know why, but it overwhelmed me. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all, maybe it’s just a coincidence, but somehow I can’t stop myself.

It happened as I climbed on. He was standing before me and he looked somehow surprised by seeing me there, for whatever reasons may he have. He smiled and looked away. I smiled and looked away. I went to punch my ticket and took a seat in the almost deserted bus. I looked out the window and could feel him looking at me even if I was looking in an entirely different direction. I could barely hide my smile and I have no idea what had came over me. I stole a glance at him, but at that particular moment he had turned and looked away. I had a strange urge to laugh out loud, but, thankfully, stopped myself. Once I looked out the window again, his eyes were set on mine, as missiles ready to be shot and destroy the target, fixed on nothing else but it.

As I had foreseen, he climbed down at the next stop. He could have simply got off it and end it, but he chose different. Before the doors opened, he stood in front of me (the doors being in front of him) and I could feel once again his eyes on me. I couldn’t help myself and had to challenge him. He however rose to the challenge and did not look away. We simply stared at each other until the bus pulled to a stop and the doors had opened. He climbed down, but yet again, he couldn’t have let it like that. As the bus started moving he passed my window and looked again at me, and I also looked at him. Why? I have no idea. He smiled. I smiled and looked away still smiling.

Now while I’m writing this on my computer, as I eat some cake made basically only with chocolate (my favorite) I ponder on an idea that had been rolling around in my head since the moment I woke up at 5 a.m. About moments. Moments when we feel that we can understand everything. Moments when everything seems at peace. Moments when we feel capable of controlling everything without even thinking. This control whoever is shallow, because we can only control ourselves and our mind, even if it’s free to go to the most strange and unthinkable places, it is in those moments that we can create or imagine or make something out of nothing more foolish that looking at someone you don’t even know, at someone you never talked to and feel nothing for. Out of that nothing you can make something, even it is something foolish and stupid and with no sense whatsoever, it is still something. Those moments can come to you while walking down a deserted street, or while holding your lovers hand. It comes to you after crying or after laughing for minutes, hours, days. That moment answers to nothing. You can’t find a reason for it, but creation.

I love chocolate cake.

Remembering

2008-01-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

Here I stand before you. No clothing to hide my so many flaws. No jewelry to richen my shabby body. Naked. I want you to see me as I am. As I was born. Unable to hide anything. Unable to lie. Just as I am.

Do you like what you see, do you like me, or are you disgusted and sickened by what you see? For, I know that in this moment you can see my every secret. You can see the way my heart is beating faster and stronger only by seeing you again. You can see my brain cells functioning, remembering everything. For, I was dead for as long as you were gone and it was you the one who brought me back to life. You've done nothing, but breathed and woke me from my endless sleep. Why can’t I just scream out to you? Why can’t you just answer back? Is it that hard to forgive and forget? Is it that hard to leave everything behind? May I touch you one last time? May I kiss again those lips that brought so much pleasure to mine? My body is screaming for your touch.

I want you.

Nothing

2008-01-08T06:52:00.001-08:00

I could tell myself that he is dead. I keep telling myself that, but there is no use. How can I think of him so much? Why can’t I just forget you? I should be able to live, to love, to laugh and cry as a normal person that I am, but I can not. I love something that does not exist; I love something that can not exist. You’re my dream, my heat, my sweat; you’re everything, but nothing.

I have to remember to live, to love, to laugh and cry, but when I do I think of you. I’ll be alone forever, but I will be with you, holding the void space that should be you, loving the air that should be you, loving it and hating it because it is not. I want to die, to forget, to cry, to disappear, to be no more. It’s torture knowing that I can never have, knowing that no matter how hard and how far away I’ll look I’ll find only void, air, you.

Nothing.

Living

2008-01-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

Life is something that’s worth living only when you have with whom. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t what you to take my words for granted. It’s simply my opinion.

When you’re alone, you can often think that you are deserted. You look around and find no one sitting beside you. You stay and write these words down as the song goes on in your favorite pub “I wanna go home” on and on, continuously repeating the same line until you finish your drink. But you can’t go home and you don’t want to. You have another place to be at, but all you want to do is stay here, but to be surrounded by your friends.

Now as you leave the pub the lyrics you can decipher from the song tell you that you miss someone. The question is whom.

2008-01-08T05:38:00.000-08:00

A new point of view

By Diana Dark

She’s walking in the desert
Aside a running spring
It’s dry and it is gusty
She’s guided by that spring

She wonderes down her path
Searching for what will come
Forgetting of her past
And waiting for the sun

It will be soon a memory
From the dept of her mind
No bigger than a spider
No stronger than a fly

The hunting days are over
The moon is new and bright
She says outloud to no one
While looking at the sky

I wished for something perfect
I wished for what’s not real
She realises slowly
The sun was out and real

The light of it was stronger
Than that of any star
It’s giving us the day light
It’s giving us a life

A life that’s filled with laughter
And joy and smiles and light
In which you feel the nature
In all it’s glory might

You see it’s every corner
Wanting to make you feel
The love in every kisses
The warmth of every meal

It’s there waiting for you
You’re there, go see it too
You had stopped feeling blue
You started live anew

Poetry. Yeah I do that too.

2008-01-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

Gazing

By Diana Dark

In life you fall a thousand times
In dreams you fly away
Alone you think you’re strong, but though
With someone you are more.
Forever she may see him there,
But never truly hers.
He will forever be her dream
But she’ll remain alone.

She loved him even though she knew
Her love was something strange.
How could somebody love a star
That could not smile, nor cry.
He shone above making it seem
That he will never die.
But what she hadn’t realized
Was that her life was slipping by.

In thirty years she may be dead
A life alone been lived,
And thousand years may pass on by
But he will shine on still.
He’ll live forever high above
Surrounded by the stars
And all the problems of the world
Will mean nothing to him.

He realized there was someone
Who kept on looking up
Looking at something that he thought
Was him or was it not?
But time went by, seconds to him
And many kept on looking
They stared, they gazed, they glanced, but no
Love was not in their eyes.

So then he started on his search
To find the own who loved
The one who looked at him with eyes
That hid the soul from lies
Unwanted eyes, and spies, but still …
He saw the love hidden behind
And now, he looked, but could not find
The one who loved so much was gone.

He found a tomb right underneath
An archway that was shinning.
He soon found out his light, his rays
Were heating up the stoning
A woman lay beneath the stone
To young for him to think
The death of this forgotten soul
Was just and not a sin.

He knew she was the one he sought
The one whose eyes held love
Unlike the lies and shallow words
He saw and heard be said.
To wake her up was a mere thought
He knew he won’t do that
It was a crime, a lie, a sin
To wake her as she slept.

He knew her body was as cold
As winter rain on stone
And would not let her freeze if he
Had something else to say.
He kept on shinning on the stone
That was place there to be
The only memory and sing
That she had lived and loved.

His rays and light were covering
The grave, that inkling night
To warm her body that was trapped
Inside that coffin, wet.
His light was shinning all around
Making it seem as though
The whitest snowflake was a gray
Compared to its brightness.

Her body could not feel the heat
And certainly not the light
But her soul was lighting up
To feel the one she loved
She woken up, out of the grave
And saw him looking down
She smiled and followed him today
Was it truth or a lie.

As of today I will not cry
I will not hide to try to lie
The way I feel day after day,
My heart of gold trying to pay
The loneliness within my soul
Attention so it won’t be cold.

A hell of a happy new year

2008-01-08T05:35:00.001-08:00

So this is my first post, not of the year. This is my first post ever. A friend helped me with it, because I’m too mentaly deranged to do it myself. It came out of the blue even if I wanted to do it for a long time.

I’ll start by wishing a Happy New Year too all those who matter to me, as for the rest, I hope someone else wished you a Happy New Year. I’m mean I know. Get used to it. I’m usually like this to those who are strangers to me so don’t take it personally.

Since it’s the end of the year I”ll talk about the way I spent the night between 2007 and 2008.

After planning for a perfect All Girl New Year Party with nerves and shouts, as in any party planing I do, it had been the best party ever. We only changed the location at some point after midnight and after drinking some cheep imitation of champagne. Some friends invited me and my friends to their little party and we made a huge party out of it, with drinking, dancing, jumping, yelling, shouting and least but not last snogging. It was hylarious that before we went there it seemed to be, except for a few couples, an all guy party. Great mix, great music, great crowd, all the wine you can have, food and by the end of the night a very comfortable couch.

We retired sometimes around 4 or 5, I don’t exactly recall, came to my place and around 6 or 7 tuned out. I enjoyed it beyond my expectations and can’t wait till the next time I’m going to crash an all guy party with my friends.