Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Moments


All of a sudden I felt the need to write, that eagerness that can rule you like nothing else. I try to breath, to think clearly, but I don’t want to lose this. I know that maybe I won’t even decipher my own words on the paper, but I’m not going to stop.

The thing that started this was not a thing at all, but a he. I don’t know why, but it overwhelmed me. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all, maybe it’s just a coincidence, but somehow I can’t stop myself.

It happened as I climbed on. He was standing before me and he looked somehow surprised by seeing me there, for whatever reasons may he have. He smiled and looked away. I smiled and looked away. I went to punch my ticket and took a seat in the almost deserted bus. I looked out the window and could feel him looking at me even if I was looking in an entirely different direction. I could barely hide my smile and I have no idea what had came over me. I stole a glance at him, but at that particular moment he had turned and looked away. I had a strange urge to laugh out loud, but, thankfully, stopped myself. Once I looked out the window again, his eyes were set on mine, as missiles ready to be shot and destroy the target, fixed on nothing else but it.

As I had foreseen, he climbed down at the next stop. He could have simply got off it and end it, but he chose different. Before the doors opened, he stood in front of me (the doors being in front of him) and I could feel once again his eyes on me. I couldn’t help myself and had to challenge him. He however rose to the challenge and did not look away. We simply stared at each other until the bus pulled to a stop and the doors had opened. He climbed down, but yet again, he couldn’t have let it like that. As the bus started moving he passed my window and looked again at me, and I also looked at him. Why? I have no idea. He smiled. I smiled and looked away still smiling.

Now while I’m writing this on my computer, as I eat some cake made basically only with chocolate (my favorite) I ponder on an idea that had been rolling around in my head since the moment I woke up at 5 a.m. About moments. Moments when we feel that we can understand everything. Moments when everything seems at peace. Moments when we feel capable of controlling everything without even thinking. This control whoever is shallow, because we can only control ourselves and our mind, even if it’s free to go to the most strange and unthinkable places, it is in those moments that we can create or imagine or make something out of nothing more foolish that looking at someone you don’t even know, at someone you never talked to and feel nothing for. Out of that nothing you can make something, even it is something foolish and stupid and with no sense whatsoever, it is still something. Those moments can come to you while walking down a deserted street, or while holding your lovers hand. It comes to you after crying or after laughing for minutes, hours, days. That moment answers to nothing. You can’t find a reason for it, but creation.

I love chocolate cake.

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